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  • How to Heal Your Emotional Trauma & Past Wounds | Healing Workshop 💖

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    Watch at: 00:00 / 00:00:20TL;DR: The stories we tell ourselves define and limit us,but we have the power to change that story.First, you have to become aware of the stories you're telling yourself in your mind.Then there's some work to do.Watch at: 00:20 / 00:40Today I'm sharing how to heal from your past wounds,emotional baggage, and limiting mindsets.Essentially: how to take back control of your story,write your new ending, and transform your life for the better.If you want to know all the steps, keep watching.Hi, my loves.Welcome back to Lavendaire.Watch at: 00:40 / 01:00So good to see you.Today we're talking all about healing your past wounds.This is a workshop that I offered as a bonusin my Create Your Dream Life course that I came out with last year.So if you took that course,this is that workshop with a little bit of an update/tweak.Before I get into it, I just have to say thatI am not an expert at any of this.Watch at: 01:00 / 01:20I did not study psychology or whatever.I'm just a person that read a lot of self help books, spiritual books,and I went through my own journey of healingfrom different wounds in the past.And these steps that I'm sharing are just thingsthat have helped me in my journey working through my issues.And it really has helped me healWatch at: 01:20 / 01:40and I've healed so much in the past eight years or so.The first thing I want to shine light on is the truth that nobody is perfect.Nobody lives a perfect life.Everybody has issues, everybody has problems.And I've grown to believe that you're meant to have problems in life.Watch at: 01:40 / 02:00You're meant to struggle,because only through struggling through the obstaclesand challenges and the really tough parts of life,do you actually grow and learn something,become a better, stronger version of yourself.So I do believe that life is not meant to be perfect.We're meant to struggle, but we're also meant to enjoy this experience of life.Watch at: 02:00 / 02:20We're meant to see our struggles from a positive point of view.And that is where I'm coming at you with this workshop today.Here's a quote for you to think about:“The wound is where the light enters you.”When I first heard that quote, I was like,“Wow, that is so beautiful and so profound,”Watch at: 02:20 / 02:40and it's something that you will understand moreonce you've experienced it.Once you've experienced some sort of healing,the wound is where the light enters you.Out of the darkness comes light.Out of the challenges –If you think of soil, it's dark, it's damp,and out of that is where the most beautiful things grow,Watch at: 02:40 / 03:00you know, flowers grow, trees grow, plants grow,and that is how the world kind of works.There's this balance of: you need both the dark to have the light,because you need to have something to compare it to.There's a juxtaposition of it.If everything was light, that would just be normal.Watch at: 03:00 / 03:20If everything was perfect, that would be your new normal.And you really do need to experience the darkin order to appreciate the light.Another thing I want to bring up is tonot judge people for their struggles or challenges,to not say, “Oh, you shouldn't be complaining about your struggles or your traumasWatch at: 03:20 / 03:40because they're not as bad as these other traumas.”Yes, there's a range of traumas and wounds out there,but we are not here to judge whose is better, whose is worse,because everybody has a different pain scale, a different pain tolerance.You just need to think of your own scale.Watch at: 03:40 / 04:00It's all relative because how bad your pain feelsdepends on all of your life experience leading up to this point.So if you've had really mild privileged experiences,then something like getting fired or a breakup might really hurt youbecause that's the worst pain you felt up until this point.Watch at: 04:00 / 04:20And if you've had like a lot of tough circumstances in life,if you've gone through more trauma, more things,then maybe that same exact event wouldn't impact you as greatly.So that is to say: Don't judge people for their pain or their problems.And the reason why this relative pain concept is important is becauseWatch at: 04:20 / 04:40when we are young, when we are children,we don't have that much life experience leading up to that point.So anything that we experience,all the pain we experience in our childhood really hurts us.We really hold it, which is why a lot of psychological issues or personality traitsstem from the things that happened to us when we were kids:Watch at: 04:40 / 05:00things that we've held, stories that we've started telling ourselvesfrom things that happened back then.So that is why it's important to go all the way backto your earliest childhood experiences to start to become aware of your story.All right, so let's move on to how to heal.Watch at: 05:00 / 05:20First comes awareness and understanding,then compassion and forgiveness.Finally, learning and transformation.By the way, as I go through these six parts,I also made a workbook that you can download at the link belowfor you to fill out your answers and take notes along with me.So the first step to healing is awareness.Watch at: 05:20 / 05:40This one is huge because not a lot of people are even awareof the emotional baggage that they need to heal.So ask yourself: “What childhood stories or traumas stick out in my memory?”And they might not seem like significant memories,but the truth is: If you remember it, it's significant.Watch at: 05:40 / 06:00So jot down all of the events and storiesthat come to your mind when I ask you this question.For me, one of the big pains of my childhood was feeling unloved and unimportant.I felt like my parents didn't care about me.They kind of swept me off to the side.My mom was really busy working all the time.Watch at: 06:00 / 06:20She was a single mom.My dad was busy working.He would fly back from China, back and forth.So I didn't really spend that much time with him.But at a certain point in elementary school,he left on a business trip and never came back, stopped calling.And there was no communication or explanation.I felt abandoned.Watch at: 06:20 / 06:40I felt like he didn't care about us anymore and ultimately it left a deep scar.So with this first step, you really have to be honest and vulnerable with yourself.Give yourself some time, you know.It might start flowing out some moreafter you get started or just give it some space.But this step is really key to starting the whole healing process.Watch at: 06:40 / 07:00The second part is understanding.So now that that event is in the pastand you've had some space, some distance from it,how can you look at this situationfrom a more logical, unbiased point of view?And this is where you start to discoverthe new perspectives that you can look at your situation,Watch at: 07:00 / 07:20because it's likely that after going through a traumatic experience,you thought of that experience in one way,in the same way your whole life up until now.And it's only when you start to see the new perspectivesthat you start to realize, “Oh, maybe what I thought wasn't true.Maybe it was just all in my mind.”Watch at: 07:20 / 07:40Consider any assumptions that you might have been making this whole time:What was true, what do you know is true,and what else were just opinions or just assumptions that you've had.So considering the realities of that time,my dad came to the US for opportunity, met my mom, got married, had me,and then he was going back and forth between China and US for business.Watch at: 07:40 / 08:00And at that time, you know, people were coming to the USbecause they thought there was more opportunity here,but then China started blowing upand becoming more economically prosperous.So that's why my dad went back over there and he just stayed there.And there was a point in the conversation of himWatch at: 08:00 / 08:20wanting us to move to China and live there.But my mom's whole family is here.She's really wants to be in the US.I wanted to stay in America.I think going to school in the US was a better choice for us.And so that's one example of another perspective of why that happened.Watch at: 08:20 / 08:40Also, Asian parents are horrible at communication.They think kids don't understand anything,so they don't say anything to the kids.Both of my parents are just really bad at communicating in general,so I can see how nothing was communicated,nothing was communicated to the kidsand people just grew apart.And it's not because he didn't care about us per se,Watch at: 08:40 / 09:00but there were a lot of other factors happening at the same time.Hopefully this exercise will help you understand your situation more clearly,be able to see new perspectivesand to see all the possibilities of what could have been true,rather than just your one point of view or your one assumption.Watch at: 09:00 / 09:20The next part is compassion.So let's start with self compassion.You have to be compassionate to yourself.What would you say to your younger self going through that thing?If you were to go back and look at your younger selfwith love and compassion, what would you say to her?Watch at: 09:20 / 09:40Would you give her a hug?Of course you would give her a hug.You would tell her that she's beautiful,she's worthy, she can make it through this,no matter how hard it feels at that moment.Being able to see your younger self with loveis a huge part in healing that inner child within.We all have an inner child within us that wants to be loved,that wants to feel important and worthy.Watch at: 09:40 / 10:00And so what would you say to that person?What would you say to that younger version of yourself?That exercise in itself is so powerful for healing,to be able to look at yourself with love and compassion.The next part of this compassion partis having compassion for all others involved in your story.Watch at: 10:00 / 10:20I don't know how many people are involved,but having compassion for each human being involved.This might be really hard for some of youbecause depending on your story,depending on how bad the trauma is,it might feel impossible to have compassion for this person.It just might not be doable.Watch at: 10:20 / 10:40And that's okay, because maybe you just aren't ready right now,and maybe you'll be ready a few years down the line.It's a process, guys.So having compassion for the other people in your storyis learning to put yourself in their shoes and asking yourself:“Why did they do what they did?”And maybe trying to empathize with them.Watch at: 10:40 / 11:00Maybe they were going through a tough timebecause hurt people hurt people, right?There's a term for a generational wounding,like generations of people hurting each other,and hurting each other in this negative cycle.So you can start to empathizeand then see if you have it in your heart to find love for that person.Watch at: 11:00 / 11:20An example that I saw recently is:I don't know if you guys watch Queer Eye,but there's one episode with the guy in the wheelchair.He's so inspiring.Anyway, this guy was shotand he was able to confront the guy that shot him, six years later,after he's been paralyzed from the waist down.Watch at: 11:20 / 11:40And the guy that was paralyzed spent years wondering,“Why did this guy shoot me?I don't know if I had any animosity with him.Why? Why did this happen to me?”And it's really frustrating to not know.So when he was finally able to confront the guy who shot him and get some clarity,he realized that that guy shot him because he was afraid of getting shot himself,Watch at: 11:40 / 12:00because they were just in this situation where a lot of people had guns,and the guy just shot him out of self-defensejust because he didn't want to get shot.And so hearing that, he didn't even need an apology.No one apologized to each other.The guy in the wheelchair ended up saying like, “You know what?Watch at: 12:00 / 12:20I would've done the same thing if I was in your position.I understand and thank you.Thank you for what you did to me.”And that really showed how if you were to able to empathizeand put yourself in another person's shoes,you might be able to understand why they did what they did,and you might not be so frustrated or hurt over it.Watch at: 12:20 / 12:40The next part is huge and that is forgiveness.Forgiveness, let me put it in like big words here.Forgiveness is so importantand that is something that I had to work on in my twenties,just learning to forgive my dad,learning to forgive anyone who has hurt me in the past,Watch at: 12:40 / 13:00because I learned that forgiving others for hurting youis learning to forgive yourself.It's learning to release the burden that you've put on yourself all of these years,because when you are holding a grudgeor when you feel pain over something, that weighs on youWatch at: 13:00 / 13:20and it's hurting you more than it's hurting the person that did it to you, you know.Those people have probably moved on with their livesand if you're still carrying that pain with you,that is not helping anybody.Learning to forgive is a part of self lovebecause if you love yourself, you don't want to hurt over the situation any longer.Watch at: 13:20 / 13:40So simply learn to let it go.And that is through forgiveness.That being said, forgiveness is also a processand it is not always easy,but the fact of the matter is: whatever hurts you is in the past.You are living now in the present moment.So anything in your past, if it's not serving you,Watch at: 13:40 / 14:00if it's not helping you, it's okay to drop it and let it go.Oprah has a quote:“Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that the past will be any different,”because the past is not going to be different.It's going to be the same.What you can change though, is your perspective on the past,Watch at: 14:00 / 14:20how you respond to your past.Are you going to keep letting it hold you downor are you going to learn to let go and forgive?Find it in your heart, some love, some positivity,some way to forgive others who have hurt you,and then just move on with your life.Trust me, after learning to forgive,Watch at: 14:20 / 14:40you will feel so free in life:no grudges, nothing holding you down, nothing holding you back.You can be your best self.All right, so the next part is learning.This is where we take everything that we just did,the awareness, the understanding,compassion, forgiveness,and then we start to see how all of thisWatch at: 14:40 / 15:00was put into our lives to help us learn a lesson.Maybe it's many lessons.What has this experience or these experiences taught you?What have you learned?What have you gained?How are you stronger and better because of this?We are strong, not despite our challenges and our pain,Watch at: 15:00 / 15:20but because of our challenges and our pain.That is the key to lifeand so that's why it doesn't make sense for youto live life avoiding challenges, avoiding pain, although most of us do it.Most of us love to stay in our comfort zones.But you guys know, if you've been watching Lavendaire for long enough,Watch at: 15:20 / 15:40growth happens outside of your comfort zone.And pain is uncomfortable.It is the worst of uncomfort, if there were some sort of scale.And the more painful or more uncomfortable an experience is,the more it has the power to change you.Watch at: 15:40 / 16:00And I didn't say the “power to improve you”because that decision is left on you.You can choose to let a really painful experience change you for the worst,make you a sad, depressed, really angry person.Or you can choose to let it transform youinto your stronger, wiser, more positive self, your highest self basically,Watch at: 16:00 / 16:19because everything in life is here for us.It's happening for us, not to us.Does that make sense?It's simply a shift in perspective.Rather than complaining about all the problems that you have,understand that your problems are here for you,Watch at: 16:19 / 16:40to help you, to make you better.This is the part of your healing where you're gaining all of these lessons,so don't let these lessons go to waste.Otherwise if you don't learn these lessons,you repeat the same problems.You repeat the same mistakes over and over again.Watch at: 16:40 / 17:00And this is why some people relive their traumas,because psychologically that's what they've been through.It was so painful and yet that's what they're comfortable with.That's what they know.And so they go from abusive relationship to abusive relationship,and obviously there's more reasons and there's more to it.But yeah, don't get yourself in that position.Watch at: 17:00 / 17:20Really be aware and learn from your pain.This is also around the point in your journeywhere you can start to have gratitude for your pain.So you start to feel grateful for what you've been throughbecause it's shaped you into a better, stronger version of yourself.Gratitude is really a big part of this whole healing process.Watch at: 17:20 / 17:40But I really think it happens each step along the way.But just putting it out there, because I don't think I mentioned it yet.Finally we've made it to the last part, which is the transformation.First, let's talk about rewriting your story through the eyes of love.So this was my second podcast episode ever where I talked about this topic.Watch at: 17:40 / 18:00It's so important that I still like to bring it upbecause this is the point in your journeywhere you are to look at your story from a perspective of love,from a more holistic perspective,rather than the narrow-minded view that you might've had in the past.Rewrite your story.Watch at: 18:00 / 18:20Write it in a way that serves you and helps you in your life.Ask yourself the question, “Where is the love in my story?”In my example, I can start to accept my parents as imperfect people,have compassion for their mistakes,understand that everyone makes mistakes and not hold that against them.Watch at: 18:20 / 18:40I can see that in the past,I judged my parents for not being good parents,for not being the perfect family that I would watch on TV.And now I can see that they were doing the bestthat they could at that time with their resources.I can also see that there was a lot of love in my lifethat I wasn't focusing on back then,because I was focused on both of my parents not being around.Watch at: 18:40 / 19:00My dad left us in China.My mom was always working.But my mom would always drop us off at my grandma's housewhere I had a lot of cousins, a lot of aunts and uncles always come in and out,and that was love.And I didn't realize that having a big familyis something that I took for granted when I was younger,because I thought that everyone had a big family.Watch at: 19:00 / 19:20I thought that everyone had over 20 cousins and 20 aunts and uncles.But no, it's actually quite rare.And now I really, really appreciate that.The next part of your transformation is rewriting your limiting beliefs.So ask yourself, “What limiting beliefs might I have from this experience?”You have to start to understand how those stories you've been telling yourselfWatch at: 19:20 / 19:40and the mindsets that came out of that experience and those storiesmight have been holding you back in different areas of your life.For example, me feeling like my parents didn't care about me,made me have low self worth and low self esteem.Watch at: 19:40 / 20:00I was already a shy person,but the fact that you know, they were so busy with their own lives,I really felt invisible.And that in turn affected my social life,because I felt like other people didn't want to be friends with me.I felt insecure, I felt uncool.And I know a lot of us deal with similar issues like that.Watch at: 20:00 / 20:20So it's a matter of understanding why you have certain fears, worries, or anxietiesand how those things have been holding you back in your life.And this is where you can start rewriting those limiting beliefs,transforming the stories that you've held about yourself for so long,so that you can become a better person,a person that's not held back by those limiting thoughts.Watch at: 20:20 / 20:40So after all of this inner work,and I know we went through a lot,but you can finally take back control over your life,over your stories that you've told yourself,and write a new ending for yourself.This is what Lavendaire is all about:really creating your dream life, writing the ending to your story.Watch at: 20:40 / 21:00I mean, what's happened in the past is in the past,and we've done what we can to heal from what we can heal fromand then let go of what we can let go of.And all you have left is the present moment.And to be able to ask yourself,“How do I want to live my life moving forward from here?Watch at: 21:00 / 21:20What good will I take with me and what bad will I leave behind?”That is how we got to live our lives, you know,step-by-step day at a time taking the good,letting go of the bad, healing from what we can,learning from what we can.Like I said in the beginning, life is not perfectand it's not meant to be perfect.Watch at: 21:20 / 21:40Nothing is meant to be great all the time.You're meant to have highs and lows.You're meant to experience painand what defines you is what you do with that pain.It's how you let that pain transform you.Do you let it bring you downor do you let yourself rise up to an even more epic version of yourself?Watch at: 21:40 / 22:00I don't know how else to put it,but I hope that I made it very, very clearthat we are here to learn and grow.We are here to enjoy this experience of living lifeand it is very, very possible to heal from your past wounds and traumas.I hope that this little workshop helps you guys.Watch at: 22:00 / 22:20Let me know your thoughts and comments down below.Let me know if you think I missed anything.I tried to be as comprehensive as I could without making it way too long.Love you guys so much, and I will see you in the next one.Bye!